Smashing Jack O’ Lanterns


Last week’s installment of “We Got Beef” touched on a sore subject for some – Halloween vandalism. While BOJ does not condone acts of vandalism, if you’re giving away toothbrushes on Halloween… you deserve the wrath of the neighborhood children. You have betrayed them. One Halloween shenanigan, however, is just downright unacceptable regardless of circumstances.

Smashing jack-O’-lanterns.

Not that melancholy 90s group Smashing Pumpkins. If you want to read about music there is a James Brown tribute in this week’s “This Week in History.” (ZING!) Plus, a pumpkin is just a pumpkin. Smash a zucchini – see if we care.

In all seriousness, there is a life taken on by a pumpkin once it is carved. It starts as a sad, forgotten vegetable in front of the supermarket and is transformed into a masterpiece. A true testament to American manufacturing. Smashing a pumpkin is destroying property. Smashing a jack-O’-lantern… that’s smashing someone’s blood, sweat and tears… and pumpkin guts.

Imagine the little kids that have carved their favorite cartoon character or sports team the evening leading up to “free-candy night.” The ONLY day that matters to their creation is Halloween. It’s the day little Jimmy from across the street finds out how much dumber his carving is than little Johnny. It’s the day little Jane from around the corner truly believes she is a princess. It’s the day dad becomes Frankenstein. The magical qualities of Halloween must not be destroyed by an act so senseless. Look that dilapidated jack-O’-lantern in the eye… you know it’s wrong.

You see this…


Little Johnny sees this… GET IT?!


In order to protect yourselves from smashers, keep carved-pumpkins in the house or the garage until the big night. This works. Come time to go trick-or-treating – unveil its true glory. Smashers will only have a chance to ruin your creation after it has been shown to the world.

Keep your friends close, but your jack-O’-lanterns closer. Pumpkins… you’re on your own.

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