No Shave November Fails


Gentlemen, let’s be honest. If you can’t grow a full beard – you know it.

You’re not going to be able to grow a beautiful face-mullet just because the calendar says it’s November. You have the baby-face gene, just go with it. When you are 70 you will look 40. Celebrate that fact.

Instead of embracing the silky-smooth face of a baby’s bottom, many in-denial men attempt to grow man’s most prized possession anyway. It starts out valiant enough, but soon everyone can see the truth.

In prehistoric days, those who couldn’t grow a beard died. A beard was the only thing protecting early men (and probably women) from the cruel elements of Earth. There were no scarves. There were no North Face jackets. There was no Snuggie. (I know, I know… terrible, right?)

A beard was a badge of honor. It was adorned by the strongest, toughest and most genetically evolved beings only. However, nowadays, if you pride yourself in wrestling wild beasts, eating raw meat and growing your hair down to your shoulders… never mind that’s still pretty awesome.

Those that cannot grow a beard – don’t worry. The need for facial hair as humans has almost dwindled to non-existent. (Unless you live in Siberia… yikes.) In today’s world, you can comfortably live without facial hair. Believe it or not, facial hair won’t determine your success-level in life. (Unless you play for the Boston Red Sox.)

For those looking for a way to participate in this month’s festivities without facial hair – have no fear! We’ve got some ideas.

1. Get a Face Toupee

Find a nice patch of hair on your back, legs or from a piece of roadkill… and stick it on your face. You want to be part of the club? Prove it.


2. Photoshop

Everyone is posting beard pictures this time of year. Facebook, Twitter and Instagram are transformed into Pintrest boards of beards. Get a nice recent photo of yourself and “place” a transparent GIF file of a beautiful beard right onto your face. Heck, models take inches off their waist with Photoshop every day. Why shouldn’t you be able to add a beard once a year? (Don’t use Microsoft Paint!)


3. Movember

A beard is a lot to ask for from a man who has patchy facial follicles. What about Movember? Movember is a charity-based tradition where able-bodied men (or women…) grown a mustache in order to raise awareness for certain causes. Others pledge to donate per inch of your disgusting lip blanket, and then contribute once the month has ended. When someone asks you where your beard is – you can inform them that your cause is more worthwhile, beneficial and sophisticated.


Good luck gentlemen (and stubbly ladies). This season is filled with the notion that those without a beard are less desirable. Nay! A charity-donating mustache, computer equipped with Photoshop or a dead beaver will work just fine!

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