Houses Without Candy


You remember the good ole’ days.

Halloween night. Your costume was immaculate, your company was… bearable… and your mission was simple – fill a pillowcase with candy. Whether you were dressed as a Ninja Turtle, or just wrapped yourself in toilet paper, candy collecting was indisputably the goal.

The only possible let down of this entire evening of free, unsupervised candy-gathering was a house without candy. Even worse yet, was a house that gave out something besides sugary junk. Pennies, toothbrushes, rulers, fruit snacks, juice boxes and chips were not, and never will be, suitable substitutes. Even as a child you can understand that the time it takes to collect a toothbrush, and the time it takes to collect a king-sized Snickers is the same. Not cool.

What can we do as child-turned-almost-grownups to ensure future generations are not subject to such unfairness? What can kids do to combat this offense?

BOJ’s got the answers.

1) Parents: Just Buy Something Good (Jerky works!)

If you have a problem with kids eating too many sweets, choose a different night to stand on your soapbox. Contact your school’s administration to begin a healthy school lunch program or after-school fitness meet-up. Encourage kids to play sports and remain active at least 60 minutes a day. Feed your child only grapes. Whatever – just don’t ruin Halloween. (Your siding and tree tops may depend on it.) If you really oppose all things joyful, turn off your porch lights. Kids will spend time TP-ing a “toothbrush house” before one that was not open for business. Trust us…


2) Parents: Hand Out Both

An acceptable way to promote healthy living AND make children happy at the same time – hand out both. Get that big awesome box of cheap toothbrushes and tape each one to a Kit-Kat. At least you will be sure that each child will have combated your sugar offering with good ole’ fashioned scrubbing. (The toothbrushes will most likely be thrown in the trash.) Give little jimmy the unfavorable item first (and it is unfavorable), then follow up with the good stuff. You won’t be remembered as the “dental floss house.” You’ll be remembered solely by your treat contribution. It is all that matters.


3) Kids: Revenge

Thanks for waiting patiently for us to describe to some adults what Halloween is all about. We know. If you feel as if you have been wronged this Halloween, here is a list of options for you to demonstrate your frustration without getting yourself into serious legal trouble.

TP-ing: Toilet paper dissolves. It is messy, but it won’t ruin anything. (Success is all about physics.)


Saran Wrap: This stuff can be strong if layered enough… strong enough to make a car inaccessible.


Ding-Dong-Ditch: Ringing a doorbell isn’t illegal… neither is hiding afterwards.


Older Post Newer Post