As we enter the holiday season, it’s time to evaluate what is being included in our winter traditions. It’s time to weed out the bad holiday traditions… and maybe even replace them with new ones. First thing’s first: eggnog. What the hell is it? It’s milk with eggs in it? No matter how much booze you add, it will always taste like raw batter for a vegan cookie. It’s straight-up nasty.
Why do we continue to serve this? Because we are told to, and have been told to for quite some time. What is nog anyway? That sounds like the name of a primitive planet from Star Wars, or the liquid that fills up a growth.
How do we stop this from reaching our fridge? It only sits untouched until it starts to smell anyway…
1. Replace Eggnog with Milk
Grab some milk, put a drop or two of yellow food coloring in it – see if anyone who is crazy enough to mix eggnog with booze notices. If they don’t, let them know what you have done. They will feel so stupid that they didn’t know, maybe it will end the tradition. You will have saved your family from this disgusting drink.
Go to your local supermarket and relabel the Eggnog shelf “Eggnog: Now made with real moose eye-boogers!” (It’s almost believable…) If that doesn’t stop people from buying that crap, nothing will. Feel free to get creative. Other favorites include: “Eggnog: Scientifically proven to cause wrinkles and scarring!” Or, “Eggnog: Wrung fresh from a sponge used to bathe Larry King!”
3. Pour it Out
Just get rid of it. It sounds easy, but truly – this stuff lingers in the fridge like nothing else. Just pour it out the moment it rears its ugly head to avoid it ruining your holiday season. Don’t pour it outside. The poor birds and squirrels with thank you.