Canned Cranberry Sauce

cranberry sauce

What is this?

Is this something we are supposed to eat, or is it a decorative centerpiece?

Was this designed to make Thanksgiving eaters nauseous – causing them to practice greater portion control?

Ohh… it’s cranberry sauce. It’s canned cranberry sauce that refuses to take its original form, which is believed to be liquid…

When did this disgusting tradition begin? Is there a way to combat such a horrifying dish from being served during one of America’s most prized holidays?


1. Do Not Buy This


This can of preservative-riddled “cranberry sauce” could most likely withstand a nuclear holocaust. Feeding this to your extended family may possibly cause extra toes, extra heads or a really upset stomach for loved ones. Avoid serving anything that assumes the shape of a can hours after being removed. It is just fundamentally disgusting.

2. Encourage Real Food


Here’s an idea. Go to the grocery store and buy cranberries. Use those cranberries to make a sauce reduced in sugar, water and anything else that you may find delicious. Maybe even add some blueberries. That would be a wonderful accent to a magnificent turkey, a mound of potatoes and that weird jell mold your aunt always brings though nobody eats it.

3. Use This Abomination for Something Useful


When at a loss for what to do with this untouched can-shaped berry mold – check out this list of useful options:

- Use as for a post-meal football game (it’s a wonderful substitute to a pigskin and safe for the little ones)
- Use as a snack for the squirrels (hey… everyone likes thanksgiving)
- Use it for deer bait (they will be curious to what the hell it is and come sniffing)

Older Post Newer Post